I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
