i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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