every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
