totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
