btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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