I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
