I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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