He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
3pm strippers are depressing
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She needs sedatives and a leash
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
