Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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