he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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