I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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