Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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