We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
