So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize