There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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