I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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