zippers are such a cool invention
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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