well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
