I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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