Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
