my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Two words: blizzard sex
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
