I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
