Pappa wants mamma naked
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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