Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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