Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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