I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
