just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
