I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
