I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
