life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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