I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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