remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
