Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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