So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
My breasts were aching with rage.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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