Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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