you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
