Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
