I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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