Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
