I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
