remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
