i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i love accidental penises.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
