Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
