lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
