I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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