How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize