you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
