i just sent this text using only my big toe
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize