I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
