And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
