i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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