It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize