i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
even my farts smell like vagina
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
