theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
