Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
