i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
