I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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