My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Is it penis luge time yet?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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